There’s an almost insurmountable distance between me and anyone who isn’t rendered dysfunctional by depression. I don’t understand how they have the energy or motivation to do anything; they can’t see why basic daily activities, such as going out alone, are difficult for me. In fact, sometimes I don’t get it either, and that is one misunderstanding most people overlook: the condition has causes rooted so deeply that even the depressed person himself can’t make sense of it.
Depression is a result of many experiences and complex psychological processes intertwined together, much like a complicated knot made by another hundreds of different knots. To make sense of it is like trying to untie all the knots – it’s virtually impossible. But what we can do is to accept the fact that these knots are part of life, and ultimately, we are the only ones who can get ourselves better and to deal with Mr or Ms Knot O’Knots. Acceptance is a long and difficult process, mostly because we blame ourselves for everything; we always think we could’ve done better, but in reality, what we did is the best we could’ve done at the time.
Today I woke up thinking, “God I hate myself so much. Even my subconscious hates me.” Most people don’t understand how much self-hatred embroils me. I’m scared. I’m weak. I’m a failure and can’t achieve anything in life. A lot of nights I lie in bed telling my teddy bear, “you’re all I have now.” Sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who will not abandon me, and will always be with me no matter what happens.
This is how I’ve been feeling this week: lost, don’t know what to do; can’t make sense of myself; abandoned.
Do you see the distance now?
Writing 101 – Assignment 1.
Strawberry, is the name of my teddy bear; she’s also the cute character, Korilakkuma, from Japan (the white bear in the featured image above). I probably named her after my favourite food in the world 😛 Anyways, she’s been with me since two months after my grandpa passed away, and has seen me in my ups and downs.
It might sound weird but it’s like there’s a mental connection between us, in which she knows what I think or how I feel. Whenever I have difficulties making a decision, I’d look at her and know what choice I should choose. Or this may just be a way to comfort my overwhelmed mind, but she’s endearing to me regardless, just like a pet or a close friend is to you.
This is why I named my blog “Strawberry & Me”, to record my adventures in life with her by my side. But of course this blog isn’t just about me and her. I don’t have a specific topic, so I’ll blog about almost everything, from day-to-day life to my favourite things, from random stupid ideas to stories and poems. Life is an adventure, and it wouldn’t be one without encounters! I’m looking forward to meeting different people here, who are creative, or philosophical, or struggling, just about everyone, because every single one of you makes my life more interesting and extraordinary 🙂 I’m interested in knowing your stories too, because they make you who you are and there’s no one like you.
P.S. Please feel free to comment and tell me your stories!
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
– George Bernard Shaw
The above quote says a lot about why I’m starting this blog. When I was deciding on the tagline, I thought of being blunt and just use “My Journey of Battling Depression”. Yet I know I don’t want to just blog about my depression, or sound all negative and pessimistic here. One day I want to be able to look back at my posts, and feel that they are written by a happy and sweet girl who’s curious about everything in the world.
On the other hand, I have never been sure about who I am, what I’m good at, or what kind of person I want to be. This has distressed me, to the point where I don’t know how to live for myself but everyone else. My life was spent trying to impress them. The lack of sense of self had induced suicidal thoughts because I felt that I was always failing, always disappointing others. Even I was disappointed in myself. However, on the day of my brother’s birthday, which was yesterday, I realized if I knew neither how to live up to their expectations nor how to live for myself, I’d live my life for him, for my cousin, for the people I care about. I want to be better for them, be a good sister, good cousin, good friend to them; I want to be there to support them emotionally, financially, and in whatever ways I can. And the only way to achieve that is to stay alive, and actually be in their lives.
I guess this post serves the purpose of being a promise, from me to my brother, and to myself, that I will learn to be a good person and a good sister from now on. I have to be stronger to be able to share his pain and to become one of the people who help him through the obstacles in life.
Last but not least, it’s never too late to discover who you are, it’s never too late to start over. This blog will record my journey of growing up, and how I discover different sides and strengths within myself.
P.S. Now that you’ve read my first post, I’d like to read yours too! What’s your reason to start a blog? Please feel free to comment, and I look forward to meeting interesting people like you on here 🙂