Numbers (or, Denary)

If I could draw, I’d paint a hundred portraits of you;
If I have a camera, I’d take a thousand pictures of us;
If I can reach them, I’d spell out your name with a million little stars;
If you love me, I’d love you ten lifetimes;

But there’s only one reality,
And in this reality, your one and only isn’t me.

Written on 2nd February 2014.

My Tea of Consciousness

There’s an almost insurmountable distance between me and anyone who isn’t rendered dysfunctional by depression. I don’t understand how they have the energy or motivation to do anything; they can’t see why basic daily activities, such as going out alone, are difficult for me. In fact, sometimes I don’t get it either, and that is one misunderstanding most people overlook: the condition has causes rooted so deeply that even the depressed person himself can’t make sense of it.

Depression is a result of many experiences and complex psychological processes intertwined together, much like a complicated knot made by another hundreds of different knots. To make sense of it is like trying to untie all the knots – it’s virtually impossible. But what we can do is to accept the fact that these knots are part of life, and ultimately, we are the only ones who can get ourselves better and to deal with Mr or Ms Knot O’Knots. Acceptance is a long and difficult process, mostly because we blame ourselves for everything; we always think we could’ve done better, but in reality, what we did is the best we could’ve done at the time.

Today I woke up thinking, “God I hate myself so much. Even my subconscious hates me.” Most people don’t understand how much self-hatred embroils me. I’m scared. I’m weak. I’m a failure and can’t achieve anything in life. A lot of nights I lie in bed telling my teddy bear, “you’re all I have now.” Sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who will not abandon me, and will always be with me no matter what happens.

This is how I’ve been feeling this week: lost, don’t know what to do; can’t make sense of myself; abandoned.

Do you see the distance now?

Writing 101 – Assignment 1.


4.36 pm         We’re walking on the pavement,
Both are quiet because of what just happened.
The story was told, the story of sentiments;
You were speechless, couldn’t utter a sentence.

4.37 pm         A car is swerving.
“Watch out!” People are screaming.
We look behind us, the vehicle is clashing;
I push you away, but the sky is dimming.

4.39 pm         “Stay with me. Don’t fall asleep,” you say.
I’m stuck between the car and the brick wall, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think it’d end this way.
I want to tell you the three words I meant to say…”
“You can say them after you recover.” “Then please hold my hand, so I don’t slip away…”

5.09 pm         Bright light is shone at my eyes, blinding.
Blink once, a paramedic, I can’t hear anything;
Blink again, I turn my head to the right, you’re tearing.
Darkness. The last thing I feel, is our hands, holding.

The next day “…because I promised her I won’t let her go, won’t let her slip away.” Distant conversations.
I’m sleepy, couldn’t open my eyes due to exhaustion.
“Sleep, my child. Don’t have to wake up.” God’s proposition,
But the warmth felt by my hand anchors me on Earth, my heart’s salvation.

The 7th day   “…because I realize I love you.” Whispers.
“So please wake up. I promised you I wouldn’t leave you alone. Now why are you leaving me alone…” I can hear clearer.
My eyelids feel heavy, I try harder.
A white ceiling light. I see you, I see you now, you clutch my hand tighter.

“She was literally crushed, with all the internal hemorrhage, organ rupture and bone fractures,” the doctors say.
“But they say you’ll live, you’ll recover one day.”
I look into your eyes, “Why did you stay?”
“Because I promised, I won’t let you slip away.”

Written on 13th March 2014.

This poem is about a girl confessing her love to her crush, but unfortunately gets into a car accident shortly after. She did not say “I love you” to her crush because she was afraid it would break the fabric of their friendship. I especially want to discuss the “anchor”. Have you ever felt so untethered to anyone or anything that you might just drift into outer space one day? And you know that one person you care so much about is the only thing that’s keeping you going on, refraining you from giving up; that very person is your anchor. You will not hesitate to give up anything, give up the world, even your life just to be sure that person is happy, healthy. That person is the only meaning that you’re still alive, and that you’ll continue to live, just to be there to provide the best for him. And it’s okay that he doesn’t want to be with you, because your love is deep enough to surpass the urge of becoming his partner. You don’t need him to love you back; all you want is for him to live a happy live with the girl he loves, and he has all your unconditional blessings. Bittersweet, but mostly sweet.

When I read this poem to my friends, they thought it was too ominous like I was predicting my own death, or punishing myself. I can’t remember whether it was inspired by a dream or a vision I visualized in my mind, but I truly was going through a tough time when it was written.

The latest Poetry 101 Rehab prompt is “End”. Instead of a negative perspective, I’d like to view an end as a beginning to a new story. In this poem, the girl waking up from a coma and her crush’s realization/confession are, in a sense, a rebirth that leads both of them into the next chapter of their lives. I can’t express enough how perfectly it responds to the prompt, and demonstrates the spirit of Easter, which is “A New Beginning” and “Rebirth”. Just perfect timing.

April’s First Tea

Google Panda—your new hug buddy that does the Search for you—is introduced by Google Japan today.

I have a dream, that this adorable Google Panda will one day be owned by everyone so we all can carry our personal hug buddy around whom also enrich our knowledge.
I have a dream, that one day this Google Panda will rise up and live out the true meaning of one of Google’s creeds: you don’t need to be at your desk to need an answer.
I have a dream, that everyone—including people who don’t own a computer or any high-tech gadget—will one day have indiscriminate access to knowledge.

Intrigued by the Google Panda? Read more about it here. And while you’re at it, check out the new version of Google’s search page, which isn’t your usual ❗

In related news, Microsoft announced three new products in Office 2016 – find out more here. I did some research and found OneNap to be the best selling app and thus far was the most popular amongst new users, including myself 🐱

Speaking of product launch, CNN has compiled a list of new products coming out this spring, including Bing’s Cute Cloud and Samsung’s cutting-edge Galaxy BLADE edge (pun intended 😉 ). And the list isn’t without surprises or cuteness. View the full list here.

Think everything’s too good (or too cute) to be true? Doubt not but be believing, because…APRIL FOOL! Please don’t be mad, I just want you to be a Happy April Fool with me ❤ Guilty of pulling pranks on someone? Being a victim to one today? Tell me your story and the person’s/your reaction! Otherwise, take the Last Week Tonight No-Prank Pledge in the comments! Or, just tell me the greatest practical joke you come up with, but don’t pull it on me! 😛

My adventures of becoming who I am.

Cassie's Kitchen

For the love of food, drink and everything delicious

Strawberry & Me

My adventures of becoming who I am.

Patchwork Rainbows

Live, Love, The blanket of life.


Travel + Family

TEZUKURI.UK ー homemade goods

Homemade cakes, bread and clothes etc

Bento Days

Making bentos for kids

I Wish I Lived There

a shojo anime aspirational blog

TnV Photography

keep your moment

The Daily Post

The Art and Craft of Blogging

The Blog

The latest news on and the WordPress community.