Tag Archives: Depression

My Tea of Consciousness

There’s an almost insurmountable distance between me and anyone who isn’t rendered dysfunctional by depression. I don’t understand how they have the energy or motivation to do anything; they can’t see why basic daily activities, such as going out alone, are difficult for me. In fact, sometimes I don’t get it either, and that is one misunderstanding most people overlook: the condition has causes rooted so deeply that even the depressed person himself can’t make sense of it.

Depression is a result of many experiences and complex psychological processes intertwined together, much like a complicated knot made by another hundreds of different knots. To make sense of it is like trying to untie all the knots – it’s virtually impossible. But what we can do is to accept the fact that these knots are part of life, and ultimately, we are the only ones who can get ourselves better and to deal with Mr or Ms Knot O’Knots. Acceptance is a long and difficult process, mostly because we blame ourselves for everything; we always think we could’ve done better, but in reality, what we did is the best we could’ve done at the time.

Today I woke up thinking, “God I hate myself so much. Even my subconscious hates me.” Most people don’t understand how much self-hatred embroils me. I’m scared. I’m weak. I’m a failure and can’t achieve anything in life. A lot of nights I lie in bed telling my teddy bear, “you’re all I have now.” Sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who will not abandon me, and will always be with me no matter what happens.

This is how I’ve been feeling this week: lost, don’t know what to do; can’t make sense of myself; abandoned.

Do you see the distance now?

Writing 101 – Assignment 1.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I would like to start two little projects from this week onward. The first one is to keep a gratitude journal, which (hopefully) will be published every Thursday; the second project is to post a short story or a poem of mine every Friday. I’m hoping these two will become regular features on my blog 🙂

Now let’s talk about how each entry of my gratitude journal is likely to be structured. We encounter a lot of different things weekly, even daily. Some are good, some are bad, and some don’t leave that big of an impression on your mind. I would like to choose to record one good thing, one bad thing, and one        thing for each week. You may wonder why I choose to write about a bad thing in a gratitude journal, my explanation is that it is a way to practice positive thinking by shedding light on the silver lining of that cloud.

This week, the one           thing would be an (jokingly) ugly incident that happened last Friday. That is how the title plays its trick! Behold! The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of this week:

The Good: Mom being supportive regardless of what choice I will choose in the end.
I’m grateful for Mom being supportive of me, even though I haven’t taken my responsibilities properly. In the past, she and I fought and argued a lot due to our different opinions. And at some point in my life, I just gave up seeking support from her or from my family. But since the concerning issue is likely a game changer, it was necessary to discuss with her. Even though she had expressed her support in the past, I never truly heard or believed her because deep down I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, even if it meant living my life with the solitary goal of impressing everyone else but myself. This time, I told myself to be patient and hear her out when discussing the issue with her. She talked about her take on the issue, expressing that she would support me regardless of what I choose in the end. Neither of us got annoyed or impatient during the conversation, and this was probably the first time I took her support seriously. I know now that Mom has always got my back, and I won’t be disappointing her whether what choice I make.

The Bad: The unrealistic hope of passing my exams when I haven’t been to class a single day this term.
This worries me so much. I texted some friends throughout the week and asked them whether or not they thought I would be able to pass my exams if I started catching up now. Surprisingly, they all believed that I could do it, as long as I was willing to try. I’m not sure if they had actually ran the probability or they just said that because they didn’t want me to give up, yet this showed not only their support but also their faith in me. I had a long and meaningful discussion with one of them, and we even prayed together at the end of the night. I am never a person of self-confidence, and I don’t trust myself due to my belief that I will make the wrong decision or fail the task. I know such belief will do me no good since it will likely become the manifestation of self-fulfilling prophecy, but depression has rendered positive thinking difficult. However, their support and faith have sustained a boost of confidence in myself, and even though I know this is as unrealistic as it can get, I’m still able to regain a little faith and hopefulness. This bit of hopefulness is all I need to keep going on.

The Ugly: Losing in a game called Resistance because my roommates were spies.
Resistance is a board game, but can also be played with just a deck of cards. A brief description of the game would be there are spies amongst the resistance members, and they win by failing three out of five missions. So throughout the game, the resistance has to ensure they do not choose any spy to go on a mission, all the while trying to determine whom they can trust (spies have a chance to identify each other at the beginning of each round). Now let me tell you how things got ugly. A roommate had friends over and she and her friends, in addition to me and another roommate, decided to play Resistance. Amongst the six of us, the spies, unfortunately, turned out to be my two roommates. When it was my turn to pick whom to go on a mission, I didn’t pick her guy friends (blame my past failed relationships) since I trusted them without a doubt. But, as you can foresee, the mission failed and everyone suspected I was the spy. When I found out the truth at the end of the game, it was like discovering a whole new side of them, how they played innocent when they were conspiring against the resistance. Everyone was surprised and, for the record, I did say I wouldn’t forgive them and their betrayal and they had become the reason I would only trust guys from then on. But of course this is just a joke I throw around now 😛 It was a fun night and I’m grateful for them insisting me to join in. This was one of their attempts to drag me out of my cave, and I appreciate their intention and our friendship very much ❤

Love, Christyberry

P.S. Do you keep a gratitude journal? What are you thankful for this week? Feel free to comment and tell me about it!