4.36 pm We’re walking on the pavement,
Both are quiet because of what just happened.
The story was told, the story of sentiments;
You were speechless, couldn’t utter a sentence.
4.37 pm A car is swerving.
“Watch out!” People are screaming.
We look behind us, the vehicle is clashing;
I push you away, but the sky is dimming.
4.39 pm “Stay with me. Don’t fall asleep,” you say.
I’m stuck between the car and the brick wall, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think it’d end this way.
I want to tell you the three words I meant to say…”
“You can say them after you recover.” “Then please hold my hand, so I don’t slip away…”
5.09 pm Bright light is shone at my eyes, blinding.
Blink once, a paramedic, I can’t hear anything;
Blink again, I turn my head to the right, you’re tearing.
Darkness. The last thing I feel, is our hands, holding.
The next day “…because I promised her I won’t let her go, won’t let her slip away.” Distant conversations.
I’m sleepy, couldn’t open my eyes due to exhaustion.
“Sleep, my child. Don’t have to wake up.” God’s proposition,
But the warmth felt by my hand anchors me on Earth, my heart’s salvation.
The 7th day “…because I realize I love you.” Whispers.
“So please wake up. I promised you I wouldn’t leave you alone. Now why are you leaving me alone…” I can hear clearer.
My eyelids feel heavy, I try harder.
A white ceiling light. I see you, I see you now, you clutch my hand tighter.
“She was literally crushed, with all the internal hemorrhage, organ rupture and bone fractures,” the doctors say.
“But they say you’ll live, you’ll recover one day.”
I look into your eyes, “Why did you stay?”
“Because I promised, I won’t let you slip away.”
Written on 13th March 2014.
This poem is about a girl confessing her love to her crush, but unfortunately gets into a car accident shortly after. She did not say “I love you” to her crush because she was afraid it would break the fabric of their friendship. I especially want to discuss the “anchor”. Have you ever felt so untethered to anyone or anything that you might just drift into outer space one day? And you know that one person you care so much about is the only thing that’s keeping you going on, refraining you from giving up; that very person is your anchor. You will not hesitate to give up anything, give up the world, even your life just to be sure that person is happy, healthy. That person is the only meaning that you’re still alive, and that you’ll continue to live, just to be there to provide the best for him. And it’s okay that he doesn’t want to be with you, because your love is deep enough to surpass the urge of becoming his partner. You don’t need him to love you back; all you want is for him to live a happy live with the girl he loves, and he has all your unconditional blessings. Bittersweet, but mostly sweet.
When I read this poem to my friends, they thought it was too ominous like I was predicting my own death, or punishing myself. I can’t remember whether it was inspired by a dream or a vision I visualized in my mind, but I truly was going through a tough time when it was written.
The latest Poetry 101 Rehab prompt is “End”. Instead of a negative perspective, I’d like to view an end as a beginning to a new story. In this poem, the girl waking up from a coma and her crush’s realization/confession are, in a sense, a rebirth that leads both of them into the next chapter of their lives. I can’t express enough how perfectly it responds to the prompt, and demonstrates the spirit of Easter, which is “A New Beginning” and “Rebirth”. Just perfect timing.
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
– George Bernard Shaw
The above quote says a lot about why I’m starting this blog. When I was deciding on the tagline, I thought of being blunt and just use “My Journey of Battling Depression”. Yet I know I don’t want to just blog about my depression, or sound all negative and pessimistic here. One day I want to be able to look back at my posts, and feel that they are written by a happy and sweet girl who’s curious about everything in the world.
On the other hand, I have never been sure about who I am, what I’m good at, or what kind of person I want to be. This has distressed me, to the point where I don’t know how to live for myself but everyone else. My life was spent trying to impress them. The lack of sense of self had induced suicidal thoughts because I felt that I was always failing, always disappointing others. Even I was disappointed in myself. However, on the day of my brother’s birthday, which was yesterday, I realized if I knew neither how to live up to their expectations nor how to live for myself, I’d live my life for him, for my cousin, for the people I care about. I want to be better for them, be a good sister, good cousin, good friend to them; I want to be there to support them emotionally, financially, and in whatever ways I can. And the only way to achieve that is to stay alive, and actually be in their lives.
I guess this post serves the purpose of being a promise, from me to my brother, and to myself, that I will learn to be a good person and a good sister from now on. I have to be stronger to be able to share his pain and to become one of the people who help him through the obstacles in life.
Last but not least, it’s never too late to discover who you are, it’s never too late to start over. This blog will record my journey of growing up, and how I discover different sides and strengths within myself.
P.S. Now that you’ve read my first post, I’d like to read yours too! What’s your reason to start a blog? Please feel free to comment, and I look forward to meeting interesting people like you on here 🙂