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My Tea of Consciousness

There’s an almost insurmountable distance between me and anyone who isn’t rendered dysfunctional by depression. I don’t understand how they have the energy or motivation to do anything; they can’t see why basic daily activities, such as going out alone, are difficult for me. In fact, sometimes I don’t get it either, and that is one misunderstanding most people overlook: the condition has causes rooted so deeply that even the depressed person himself can’t make sense of it.

Depression is a result of many experiences and complex psychological processes intertwined together, much like a complicated knot made by another hundreds of different knots. To make sense of it is like trying to untie all the knots – it’s virtually impossible. But what we can do is to accept the fact that these knots are part of life, and ultimately, we are the only ones who can get ourselves better and to deal with Mr or Ms Knot O’Knots. Acceptance is a long and difficult process, mostly because we blame ourselves for everything; we always think we could’ve done better, but in reality, what we did is the best we could’ve done at the time.

Today I woke up thinking, “God I hate myself so much. Even my subconscious hates me.” Most people don’t understand how much self-hatred embroils me. I’m scared. I’m weak. I’m a failure and can’t achieve anything in life. A lot of nights I lie in bed telling my teddy bear, “you’re all I have now.” Sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who will not abandon me, and will always be with me no matter what happens.

This is how I’ve been feeling this week: lost, don’t know what to do; can’t make sense of myself; abandoned.

Do you see the distance now?

Writing 101 – Assignment 1.